Trigger Warning: Mention of Death and Loss
Very few moments in life make you rethink your entire existence, and even fewer remind you the little bits of your childhood you had forgotten completely. These thoughts are often triggered by emotions you feel so deeply that no scream is loud enough to let it out- the lump in the throat is still there when you think you’re done.
Losing my father to this demonic illness called COVID 19 is the most devastating thing that has happened to me. Every time I think what could possibly be worse, I scare myself because that is exactly what I thought on a lot of occasions before my dad passed away. A chill runs down my spine, my shoulders fall and a lump forms in my throat every time I think about “what could have been”. I could have done absolutely nothing to prevent it from happening but my grieving self thinks otherwise. When the people and moments you love slip out of your hands forever, the only thing you are left with is internal conflict of a kind you can never explain, only feel.
The urge to wail at the top of my lungs is so intense that when I open my mouth, only a gasp is heard, followed by few seconds of heavy breathing. The urge does not go away, just keeps getting stronger till I fall asleep while thinking about never being able to see my dad again. The day it happened I hugged my mom at night and wept like I had never before. I am physically unable to howl like that again because I feel like I will literally break into pieces, but the urge never goes away.
It has been a fortnight of endless pain and a struggle to find the right way to express it. The messages of strength and condolences are gestures with good intentions but none give me comfort- and I know that absolutely nothing can. Spending time in the physical presence of those who love me is the only time I don’t feel like I will crumble under the heaviness inside me.
You can never get accustomed to this feeling but it is inevitable, for I am a mortal and so are those I hold dear.
May your soul find peace, dad.
The Ocean of Thoughts 